The Arlington Heights Bears
The Bears haven’t given the city of Chicago championship since 1985. Someone born in 1985 has a mortgage, and if they lived life as the Bears played, they’d be probably be defaulting, I’m guessing on their third failed marriage, and trying to convince their friends to become members of an MLM pyramid scheme.
This organization continues to let fans down with poor decision-making and bad management. If they were a business, they would’ve gone the way of Blockbuster. Much like the last Blockbuster the only thing keeping people around is nostalgia for a forgotten era. Every Sunday I watch the games with my sons in the hopes we get a win, but in reality, I know I’m teaching them a valuable lesson about mediocrity and disappointment.
The Bears owe everything to the city of Chicago. The city is all they have, and if they move they’ll just be another shitty team with no real home. So let them become the “Arlington Heights Bears”. Let them become like every other franchise. Build a monument to 1985, insulate it with fluff and unsold Trubisky jerseys; greet fans at the entrance with animatronic versions of the Fridge and Sweetness singing the Super Bowl shuffle; put a roller-coaster through it mimicking the ups and downs of Rex Grossman’s quarterback ratings.
In the end, you’ll have a great theme park that will make Ricketts green with envy. Just don’t call it the home of the Chicago Bears.
